tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2987132664585113190.post5854138747305757722..comments2013-06-05T16:19:17.476-04:00Comments on Narrative Journalism : Darien Parlick ProfileEmily Guzmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03397984109318486164noreply@blogger.comBlogger4125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2987132664585113190.post-62706083927795845482013-06-05T16:19:17.476-04:002013-06-05T16:19:17.476-04:00I think your observations were great and you did a...I think your observations were great and you did a good job with description, especially of Darien and the scene. I love the amount of background we were able to get on Darien and it seems that you did a great job of really capturing his personality. <br /><br />I was confused in the beginning about where exactly we were. I agree with Suzanne that mentioning the teen center earlier or the reasons all of these people are together could set your scene even better. Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16682133113272367148noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2987132664585113190.post-7353907226832890092013-06-05T16:04:54.852-04:002013-06-05T16:04:54.852-04:00Em,
Wow, you packed so much into this piece. Lik...Em, <br /><br />Wow, you packed so much into this piece. Like Paula said, it's impressive how much ground you've covered in one piece. As always, your crafted and welcoming written style laced with humor draws me in every time. Couldn't get enough of this bit: "With the physique of a malnourished giraffe, Darien is drunk by the time Vincent Vega takes a shot of adrenaline to Mia Wallace’s heart." Ugh, kills me. <br /><br />I think like Paula also said, it was a little difficult keeping track of names and characters. I think that could be fixed with where you start us. I think that description of Darien and Dave's night out is vivid and strong, but that their names are so similar and so much is going on that we need to have a foundation before we get there. I was struck by the paragraph that started: "Darien hasn’t had a bed for himself in years" and think maybe using that as a launching point could be really great. Hannah Dalyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11529895698511253097noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2987132664585113190.post-77985123841835904652013-06-05T15:45:28.537-04:002013-06-05T15:45:28.537-04:00Emily,
I think this is a big topic to handle, but...Emily,<br /><br />I think this is a big topic to handle, but this first draft has an impressive hold on a lot of information. Like Suzanne, I loved "...and asks her to get coffee sometime, but his breath smells like cheap red wine and his stained red, overlapping teeth give him a vampiric look." You've got a comfortable tone in writing--like your subjects feel very at ease with you and you can write them for how they are but without judgment. <br /><br />I did, however, find myself getting lost while I was reading the piece. I had to go back and re-read character descriptions because I found that they all seemed to blend together at some points. Perhaps you could work on switching up your lede. Establish your characters more firmly from the beginning, and the reader won't have as much trouble following them throughout the development of the story. Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00790505716228767947noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2987132664585113190.post-6092768394239171372013-06-05T15:29:26.839-04:002013-06-05T15:29:26.839-04:00Emily,
First off, it’s very clear that you’ve spe...Emily,<br /><br />First off, it’s very clear that you’ve spent a lot of time with Dave and put a lot of work in to reporting and writing so I commend you on that. I understand the concern you mention in your process writing. While I think the lede is well written, I found myself very confused until midway through the piece when the Teen Center is finally introduced and readers find out the context -- why we should care about these characters. By mentioning the teen center sooner, and incorporating more about Darien -- appearance, race, and his philosophical ideals-- it will make the concept of “revolution” and his whole character in general much more clear and more meaningful from the beginning.<br /><br />I wanted to know how old Dave and Darien were, and what Dave looked like. I wanted to know the specifics of the year-long service job at the Teen center because I think mentioning his leaving was rather abrupt. You do mention where he’s going, but I think it’s important to know how he came to the teen center in the first place.<br /><br />Darien’s description was wonderful, and you do an excellent job describing scene. I loved: “..and asks her to get coffee sometime, but his breath smells like cheap red wine and his stained red, overlapping teeth give him a vampiric look.” <br /><br />The piece as a whole is very well written, I think it just comes down to narrowing the focus --what you think is most important to get across. Good work, I look forward to workshopping this!<br />Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03518700240665674405noreply@blogger.com